Time Flies!

Christmas was fun and challenging and uncomfortable... I'm learning more and more that I've got to just stop eating!!! Step away from the yummies in the kitchen... But it was an otherwise nice holiday!

My brother graduated from UNCG on the 20th, and he had a party last night. That was interesting - at a bar downtown. Very nice and roomy - they rented the bar's private room. Lots of family - cousins - were there, and a bunch of guys that were friends with Easa in high school and maybe early on in college were there. It just felt like old times, which were some good times.

Lots of temptations there last night - but I resisted the urges to just "try" some alcohol. No one was asking me to try any, just the little devil in me saying "Hey, your pouch seems pretty resilient, I bet it wouldn't be so bad." But I'm not even a month out...had to put reigns on the crazy temptation. I had the smallest sip of champagne when we had a big toast for/to Easa, but that was it. Alcohol is not a necessity to having a fun night! (not that I didn't already know that!)

So, otherwise, um, not much. I want to go somewhere. Raleigh for a few days would settle my desire, but Chicago or NYC would be totally fucking awesome. And I have friends living in both cities. So, can anyone fund a plane ticket? Or even half of a ticket? Really... I honestly do feel like I've got to get away for some time soon but I don't know how I would afford it. I love my family, but Greensboro is driving me up the wall... and it's only December. I'm gonna be here till May, at least!

uh...yeah....

That "Everything is peachy keen!" post yesterday?

Heh, heh, heh... only typical for me to say something like that and then have a shitty episode within the next 24 hours!

So, dinner tonight was steak - I cut it up and ate it to where it met the standard of what puree is. Yummy. (no really, I still adore steak). But mom also made some funky scalloped potatoes. I resisted during dinner, like normal. Protein is waaay more important than carbs, and it's tough enough to get all the protein in everyday.

But then, *dark clouds appear overhead* and my mom asked me to clean up the kitchen. She had to run an errand, so I was to load up the dishwasher. I have a really really bad history with sneaking food - eating like mad when no one's around. And tonight, my demon popped back into my life. It wasn't that I felt that I had to sneak the potatoes - I mean, my mom always asks if I want some of whatever carb we're having that night, you know, "just to try". But, it was like, "Oh, there's a small piece of potato with cheesy goodness on it. Okay, I'll take a tiny bite..." Well, one tiny bite resulted in many bites, not so tiny. Not to the point where I felt sick, but close. Enough so that I felt disgusted with myself. I knew I wasn't hungry, but that whole temptation (that I thought was gone at least for a while early post-op) was screaming in my face.

But what kills me, what really makes me SO mad/frustrated at myself, is in a few hours, I did the same freakin thing!!! Of course, the kitchen was surprisingly empty, and the dishes were out from when my dad ate, after everyone else. And once again, those fucking potatoes were calling my name. But this time, I ate faster, larger pieces, WAY too big bites. And I could really feel it, the potatoes struggling to get into my pouch and stay in there. They were plenty soft, to qualify for the puree stage, but I overdid it worse than I really could imagine this early on. Like, that was my closest call to vomiting... I could feel the saliva crawling up my throat, and the discomfort in there.

I hope...I pray...that I won't be such a dumbass again any time soon... I'm just really trying to focus myself again - I realize once again how easy it is to fall into the trap of "Oh I fucked up, let's keep this going, because I'm worthless." But, considering that I'm self-pay, that is NOT an option. I had major surgery, and dammit, I'm going to succeed! And yeah, my blog keep me honest, too, since I'm pretty sure I have a few readers keeping tabs on me here.

I've been "knocking on wood" a lot lately...

Because life has been pretty good. And when I eat something like eggs (which are notorious for NOT staying in new pouchies), I knock on wood that these suckers will stay down. And they have, marvelously! My mom made quiche on 12/8, and I have been eating on it every day, practically.

There's been a lot of laying around, taking care of my five small incisions - they lost all their gluey covering, so neosporin is my new best friend. And I've been walking some...I can't calim I do enough every single day, but the days I don't, they're made up with long days later on. Like, this weekend. I did a LOT. Thursday my mom convinced me to go to JCPenney's with her to "browse for some gifts". 1.5hrs in the store and two huge bags of items bought, I was utterly exhausted (just from walking) when we got home. Then Friday we ended up going to Kmart and then the Vitamin Shoppe. And then I went out for a little with my friend, to Old Navy, Jo-Ann's, Wal-Mart (all short trips) and dinner. And Saturday, the same friend and I went to Hancock's and had a spa day. (Manis, pedis, and this wonderful back treatment at Leon's Beauty school).

So, it's been sort of dull. I mean, I've been EXTREMELY lucky because I haven't puked once. I've been working my way up, slowly getting enough protein and finding some suitable protein drinks again. I weighed in on Thursday and was down to 295 (!!!!!!!!!). 11/29 I was 322, 12/5 (leaving the hospital) I was 311, and one week after that, I'm at 295! Probably the only complaint I could dare give is that milk gives me diarrhea. I probably need to switch to soy milk, but I haven't really made a pro-active effort to research soy milks to find one that I may like.

So, yeah, for now, life is pretty good. I'm already sort of tired of the puree diet, but I'm only halfway through it. January 3rd is my next appointment with Fuzz and his staff, and I should be allowed to move forward to soft foods after that date. Oh, and I could use a little more energy... but all in all, the first 2 weeks have been pleasantly smooth sailing!

My first "splurge"

After my eggy breakfast today, I wanted just a taste of something sweet and refreshing... I was totally satiated with 3 small red grapes. I mostly peeled them and ate them properly (small bites, chew chew chew). It's amazing how perfectly it hit the spot! Slightly sweet, tart, juicy, yummy!

It just makes me smile to realize how car things have come in less than a week.

Wow, lots of stuff to talk about!

Neglected the blog for some reason... so I'll make some of this quick....or I'll try.

Went in on 11/29, weighed in, still a shitty lack of weight loss, but the doctor said it's still okay. Surgery was actually scheduled for 12/3, not 12/4. Sweeeeeet! I went into the hospital at 7:30am Monday and got home around 2pm Wednesday. A summary of my days in the hospital:

Monday morning, got to the hospital around 7:30. Had to wait until about 8:15 to go back. Got me gowned up, and on the bed/stretcher. My awesome anesthesiologist came in and started poking. I seriously have ONE good vein - right arm, in the crook, at the elbow. She tried 2 other spots, no luck. So she put the IV in at my good spot, and said they'd probably move it once I was under. Got wheeled into the OR and stuff finally, and after some deep breathing, etc, I was pretty much under.

Monday afternoon, around 1pm? I was woke up in the recovery room. GAH gas pains are fucking hellish. Thank you for all the warnings and such, but MAN, wow. Saw my coordinator Susan (who is absolutely fantastic) and she said it went GREAT! It was laproscopic (YAYAYAYAY!) and my liver looked so good they didn't even biopsy it. They took my gallbladder out too. My doc said the surgery, since they were taking the gallbladder out too, would probably take 4-5 hrs instead of 2-3. But it only took 2-3!

The ride from the recovery room to my room was long as crap, and all that fun stuff. And basically, the rest of the day was painful and uncomfortable. I got some IV pain meds every 6 hrs and like 1 ice chip an hour. God my mouth was SOOOOOOOOO dry. They poked and prodded me a lot, and I didn't pee till midnight that night - they finally started pumping a lot of fluid in me. Horrible "sleep" Monday night, of course, because they were in and out all night and the pain meds didn't really last a full 6 hrs for me. Or the gas was just too much.

Tuesday was better - I could actually have FLUIDS! 3 medicine cups/hr, including liquid pain meds (they had me try them Monday but too much for the stomach). I had a popsicle w/my meds, and I tried 1/2 apple juice, 1/2 water but I still think it's too much sugar in the stomach. A close friend from school came and visited for 2 hrs in the afternoon, and my aunt came that evening. I walked (2 small laps monday, 2 larger laps Tuesday, 2 larger laps Wednesday) and sat upright, etc every day. Slept SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better Tuesday night - less proding and poking, but I had a slight temp at one point Tuesday night. It went away. Gas was getting much better. Still haven't had a BM yet but I've peed a lot.

Wednesday, they brought in a late breakfast with a hockey puck egg and some oatmeal and beneprotein and 'butter'. Luckily, they timed it perfectly with my coordinator Susan coming by. So I ate in front of her, and it stayed down, etc etc. Thank god! She said she would let the docs and nurses know that I'm good to be discharged. Finally got my IVs out (they put one like in the artery on my left hand during surgery - that fucker HURT!). Oh, and I weighed while Susan was there - 311!!!! I was 322 like a week ago!

So, finally got home, my mom went to the store and pharmacy, and I tried to eat. I ate like 1/2 medicine cup of cottage cheese at 4:30pm, and the same amount at 10:30. I tried making a protein drink w/some unflavored GNC powder I had in the evening and I almost puked. Even though my eating was bad today, I've literally drank at least 60 oz of water, along with a popsicle and some ice.

So that was a lot to write out, but I'm glad to be home. I had a wonderful shower and my mama blow dried my hair for me (OMG playing with my hair is like the easiest way to make me...easy! :beatup:) Wednesday night's sleep was amazing, especially on 2 vicodins. But, they freakin gave me vicodin pills! I have to break each one in half and get them down.

I haven't been able to get all my protein in daily, but I'm um I'm trying.... getting in all the fluids, taking all the pills and vitamins, and simply eating (especially since I have NO hunger) is freaking difficult!

Yet Another Post!

So, Friday was my birthday. Hell yeah, I'm 23 (I guess that's celebratory?) on the 23rd! I have to say Jen is the most wonderful person. We went out on Friday, and when she got to my house, she had the most adorable birthday present. She got a protein bullet, and attached (melted) a birthday candle to the lid, and had it lit for me at the door. It was soooo sweet. Next best thing to a birthday cupcake? A birthday protein bullet!

We ventured to the mall, and my red Lane Bryant coat was $75 instead of $150!!! So I got it in 22/24...gonna grow into it! (It fits okay, a titch snug.) We did some other things Friday, it was nice, and then Saturday I saw an amazing movie, Bella. It was really a great film. And, after talking to a friend Saturday night, the possibilities of visiting her in Paris in the spring are growing. It's still a long shot, but mom was more open about it. So, maybe it's time to apply for my passport!

And I actually think this diet thing is working....Friday, weighing at home was a sad result. Supposedly I was still at 322 on my mom's scale. But today, I weighed, and I did it 4 times (b/c my mom and I were 307, 312, 310, and 305. So........we'll see! I'm going in on Thursday for weigh-in at Wake Forest.

Thanksgiving... Yeaaaaaaah...

So it's been a while since my last super emotional/intense post. Been an interesting week+... Thanksgiving, my birthday, and just dealing with not losing/losing weight and food food food. But I think I'm gonna split my posts up so they're not killer long.

Thanksgiving was...interesting. Made a yummy cauliflower puree. I told a few people about it, so I'll post my general recipe/what I did.

• Diced up some onion and garlic - 3 cloves I think.
• Saute them in a teensy bit of olive oil and some PAM.
• Once softened, add a can (maybe less?) chicken broth - I used low sodium Swanson.
• Season with salt and pepper.
• Add 1/2 head diced cauliflower (smaller is better - faster cooking, easier to pulse later) to the broth.
• Simmer for 10 minutes, or however long until the cauliflower is tender. I did some simmering with the pan covered, and uncovered it and turned it up to get some of the liquid reduced.
• Pour everything from the pan into food processor (or blender...or if you wanna try, you can use a potato masher). Pulse.
• I then added 2 tablespoons of 1% milk, 2 tablespoons of plain nonfat yogurt, a teaspoon of butter and a few teaspoons, maybe a tablespoon of butter buds.
• Pulse pulse pulse. I did it till it got as creamy as it looked like it would. It wasn't as smooth as potatoes, but decent.

It still tasted like cauliflower, but it had a nice creaminess to it. I wouldn't suggest making that much unless you're gonna eat it all. I reheated some yesterday/day before and it was okay, but not wonderful. It makes more than you think. Also, I used this recipe as a guideline, and how to double/triple it. So if you wanted to try it for one, you could use those amounts listed!

I spiced and grilled some portobellos, and my mother makes a great green bean dish that has tomatoes and onions and it's good. So I had a 'meaty' mushroom, a 'potato' side, a veg side, and salad. And I also made a yummy pumpkin dessert. For those of you that don't know, pumpkin has fiber and some protein and good vitamins, so the plain canned stuff seemed healthy enough for me. I followed the pumpkin pie recipe my mom uses, spice-wise: cloves, ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, added a dash of vanilla, and a little bit of 1% milk into 1 can of pumpkin. Baked the mixture in little ramekins in a water bath and topped them with Cool Whip Free. It was a nice, warm, pumpkiny dessert!

So, other than the chocolate souffles my aunt made, the key lime pie w/graham cracker and cashew crust and orange whipped cream my brother made, the pumpkin and pecan pies my mom made, and the chocolate pecan pie my brother also made, you know, there weren't THAT many sugar temptations. >.<

Reminiscing.... (a "Wow" moment!)

This week has been difficult for me, and I can't guarantee it's gonna get any easier. But tonight was interesting, and I had to write about it... So I was going through the closet tonight in search of something to wear tomorrow, because I'm going shopping with Jen and some of her friends. (Going to Streets of Southpoint in Durham - I've never been!) I see my bubblegum pink pants. Now these pants hold a lot of memory to me - they are very near to my heart. I bought them in the summer of 2005, and I have never worn them out or anything. They still have the tag on them, everything.

When I bought them, I was going on a mini-shopping spree/'re-style' with my close friend Alix. She was a crazy fun dresser - she could be sexy and fun and really take chances, and I just never could. Even though she was a plus-size girl, she had the body and the confidence to honestly carry ANYTHING! So we styartede hitting up Ross, Marshall's, those places for some fun and funky (and affordable) plus size things for me. And at Ross, we found these size 26 cottony (or whatever?) bubblegum pink pants. I totally didn't think I could fit in them - I'm way bigger on the bottom, from my hips and ass, and usually nothing discounty works for me, on the bottom. But Alix totally told me I had to at least TRY them on. We get to the dressing room, and I can get them up. Heck, I can even just barely get them buttoned. But I mean, move? Sit down? Hell no I couldn't do that in those pants!

But, I was doing WW with my mom that summer, and Alix basically told me "For that price, there's no way you can walk out of this store without those pants. She did the sexy thing, I did the cute thing. So, of course, I bought them. But no, I have never worn them.

But that summer meant so much to me. We practically spent every waking moment together that summer. Usually during the school years, we were at least 1.5 hrs away, if not 3 hrs (freshman yr). Being around and with Alix just did something to me. She called us yin and yang...I was calm/level-headed with a dash of crazy, and she was crazy with a dash of calm. We just worked. And I felt like I was just me around her. I always looked up to her, but I also realize she looked up to me. We each had different traits and abilities the other lacked, and we could find respect among all of that. And then, when I went back to school that fall, I forgot that. And I let myself ignore my cell phone a lot. I barely talked to her at ALL between August and October of 2005. And then, after not talking for probably like 3 weeks, she called a mutual friend when we were out together. This was October 28th. My friend gave me the phone after they had talked for a minute, and Alix asked me if I wanted to join her tat a John Legend concert in Myrtle Beach on Saturday. We both love his music, but I had already made plans and bought things for a "Halloween Bash" our school throws on the Saturday before Halloween. So, I said I didn't think I could make the trek with her (MB is a few hours away from my school, and even further away from where we're from). We said our goodbyes and everything, that was that.

Sunday morning, I wake up to some instant messages and missed calls on my cell from my friend Katie (who knew Alix since middle school and is friends with me) saying to "Please call her back, asap." I don't talk to Katie regularly, so this had me calling her. I find out from Katie that Alix was killed in a car wreck on Saturday afternoon on the way to Myrtle Beach. She died instantly, and instantly, my friend of 14 years was gone.

And now, tonight, I put these pink pants on and they fit. They're not too snug - I can sit down, I can bend, it's like, well, wow. I can't really truly put into words why I have such a connection to these pants, but tonight, it just blew my mind. I realize that there's so much in my life that I wanted Alix to be around for. And I'm a spiritual person, and I want/try to keep believing that she is seeing all of this, and is there for me. But I just always thought that whatever big life event I went through, she would be here. And I would be here to watch her grow into an adult. She left less than a month before my 21st birthday, a huge event I found out she was surprise planning for me. But everything (the plans) just disappeared after I lost her. And although I never discussed the surgery with her, I knew that if I was going to have it, she'd be right here beside me. Because God knows she always wanted the best for me and always wanted to shop for and with me, so we would have had a ball as I lost weight.

I guess, something in me is realizing, now that I can fit into these pants, that life is going on. That the future is coming towards us, and that Alix really isn't here for all of it. She had so many aspirations, and she inspired me so much, and it's just...even two years later, it's really hard. It's tough realizing that I'm growing up and I have to live my life, one way or another. I can't forget her, but I can't let my emotions keep me in the mire. I will always miss her, but I need to use Alix as an inspiration for moving on. For LIVING. Because she lived every freaking second of her life to the fullest.

Sorry for unloading all this out on you, bloggies. But if you read that all, I love you. :D

Look, they even have a zipper and closures and all that fancy stuff!

Postponed.

I don't really have the energy to write much, besides the fact that my mind and body are teaming up against me.

On my modified diet now for 2.5 weeks, and when I went to my doc's yesterday, I weighed 323 lbs. 7 lbs lost. I thought I was going to find out yesterday at the visit whether the surgery was good for the 19th. But no.

Waited and waited and waited and finally got a call today from the surgeon,. The surgery is pushed back to December 4th. I had so convinced myself that I was okay with a delay, you know, just happy that the surgery was even possible. But I'm so fucking devastated. I honestly don't know how I'm gonna get through even more time on this diet. I feel so discouraged, and frustrated, and I'm still going through caffeine withdrawal, so all I want to do is lay around. The headache from the lack of caffeine isn't any smaller now that I'm all up in arms over the surgery.

I was totally okay with surgery being right before Thanksgiving and my birthday. Totally fine with that, I mean, who cares about food then! But now I'm gonna be going through all of that on fucking vegetables and protein powder. I totally didn't expect so much bitterness, but it's gotten so bad I can't even really see what I'm typing. So I'm gonna stop for now.

Yay Yay Yay!

Wow, what a difference a few days makes...well, and some insulin. Basically, I'm back on my regular meds. (yeah, bad me. That's pretty much what fucks up your blood sugar, being stupid and not staying on the meds!) I got my insulin scrip filled on Tuesday, and today my wake up blood sugar was 109. Compare that to....um....over 300. Eeek!

I weighed myself at the gyno on Tuesday, and I was down 7lbs from Friday, @ 323. Even the coordinator lady that works with my surgeon told me great job today via email when I gave her my blood sugar and weight stats.

I'm still nervous about everything happening as planned, but dealing with it much better! I had two nights of amazing, delicious dinners, and I cannot believe that including today, there are only ELEVEN more days until my surgery!!!! (fingers crossed) Otherwise, I'll keep this entry shortish, just wanted to give my blog some happy glow!

Saturday = Uber Awesome

This is more of an off-topic post, I just felt like writing about how great my Saturday was. :D

Around 2, my friend Jen and I left to go out. We went to Walmart, and I found a SF Hazelnut Davinci syrup! And some nice socks for a good price. So now I have a big bottle of Vanilla SF Davinci, and small bottles of Raspberry, Kahlua, Caramel and Hazelnut.

After Wal-mart, we made our way over to the mall... I hadn't been in the mall since June. We walked around for a while, and ran into a friend from middle school, Farzana. It was nice to see her - she graduated, is working as a teacher. Glad to see she's doing wel;l. It's funny, I always tend to run into her in the mall, I think. We walked around some more, then went to lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. Yay salad bar!!! Unfortunately, I didn't bring my salad dressing spritz stuff, so I went with the Light Ranch. It was still a littler carbier than I probably should have had. It was odd, because our waiter was this guy that went to Rolling Roads pool with me. Yeah, now that's a reunion of ages. He was so familiar, but I couldn't place him. He recognized me, and after talking for a moment, he figured out how we knew each other.

After lunch, we went downstairs to the first floor of the mall, and wonderfully ran into my friend Kaytee, who was getting off from work at Aveda. I haven't seen her in quite a while, and I'd been meaning to get together with her, just hang out. I miss some of my older buddies, and man, we've known each other since we were 11!!! So, since me and Jen were happening to be going to the movies, and Kaytee and her fiance Adam were planning the same, we decided we'd go see the same movie later in the evening. I was very excited to meet Adam, since I had heard so many wonderful things about him!

Between seeing Kaytee and going to the movies, I spent $50 in MORE protein stuff, Jen found an awesome shirt with an awesome price at Lane Bryant, we bought hair dye at CVS, Jen found a great suit jacket and blouse at Macy's, and we had dinner at Rock-Ola with Kaytee and Adam. Seriously, it was so awesome to spend time with Kaytee and to meet/get to know Adam some. I really approve, and I'm so happy for Kaytee. She deserves everything she has and more, and I'm just happy she's found a really good guy for her. It was also nice to reminisce about some older memories, and learn some things that I....was not aware of.

After dinner, we saw Dan in Real Life - an okay movie. Very cliche, but I guess I didn't find it half bad. Me and Jen came back to my house, and we had a small Hair Dye Party!!! Jen dyed her hair red, and mine is now black. Heh, so darkest brown Nice N Easy goes black on my hair - tis life! And that's what you ask for when using home hair dye - it can be a mixed bag! So that was interesting... Well, the whole day was. I really really enjoyed it, and I'm a very happy girl now. :D

My one and only complaint is that I think I ate too much/too many carbs and/or fat. Plz check my Fitday (I linked it a few posts down)... keep my butt in check!!!

Friday's Pre-Op Appointment!

Hello again everyone. Friday I had my pre-op appointment - it was full of fun! (Heh, yeah, riiight...)

I, well my parents payed almost $6000 for the doctor and anesthesiologist, and we gave the ans. office all of my information, including the many prescription meds and OTC things I take. I got all the weight/height/blood pressure things, and eek I'm 330 lbs! Yes, I'm telling the world my weight!

My mom was with me, so if I use "we", that's why... We met the PA or RN (can't remember) for the anesthesiologist and she confirmed all of my information, and talked about my surgical history and that I only have ONE good vein, so dammit, don't fuck things up. (Side story - in 2003 I had to have an ablation to remove some scar tissue from my ASD open heart surgery in 1993. The tissue was causing an arrhythmia. The morning I got to WF for the ablation, they took blood in my good vein, so when I had to go in for the ans. they poked and prodded me for an hour. It FUCKING HURTS to have needles stuck in and they can't reach/find veins, so they're digging around in your nerves. It seriously is the one main thing that freaks me out.) Anyway, since I have a history with heart stuff, they did an EKG (hella faster than I ever remembered them!), and urine and blood labs. Five vials of the stuff, heh. It took quite a while in the "Preoperative Assessment Center"... I got there for my 12:20 appointment, and I was supposed to be up in Dr. Fuzz's office by 2, but we didn't get there till almost 2:30.

Once I got to Fuzz's office, they did the same blood pressure, temp, weight stuff I somehow weighed 330.9 at 12:30 and 329.7 at 2:30...damn that blood weighed a lot! ;) And the RN Elizabeth went over a bunch of information, had me read the risks sheet and sign a consent form. She let me know that, yes indeed, my liver is big (the chart said 28 cm), and I do have gallstones. So it's super duper cereal that I stay on this diet. Fuzz repeated these concerns when he came in. He said we could just "yank that sucker right out" when he mentioned my gallbladder. I found that hilarious, for some reason. He also gave me a prescription for phen-a-something or other, an appetite suppressant. I'm tempted to get it filled, but, I guess I still feel bad asking my parents to pay for more meds.

But, goodness gracious, I think I almost had a heart attack when I got home. My mom and I had lunch in WS and then drove home. When we got home, our neighbor asked if my mom could take her somewhere to get stitches, b/c she cut herself. So I stayed home, and around 4:45, my surgeon calls. The first thing he said was "Emily, are you okay?" in a panic/worried voice. Like, I should be in coma right now or something.... Basically, he got the labs back, and somehow read that my blood sugar was at 1000. It was off the charts, by his terms. So, before I did go into a coma, he wanted me to come to the ER. I told the doc I didn't have any transportation, and as I finished telling him, someone (his RN prob) was telling him something - he misread the numbers. The sugar/glucose level in my urine was off the charts - I'm dumping a lot of sugar. Fortunately, that's "ok", and I'm not dumping proteins, so that's even better.

My BS is still much higher than it needs to be... Something I'm gonna have to wrestle with in the next 2.5 weeks, but I think I can do it. The whole conversation, as scary as it was, really put everything into perspective. He mentioned (when it was at 1000) that we would have to postpone the surgery, etc. And it just makes me realize my health is so much more important than some chocolate. I'm still probably gonna have a tough time with my diet for the next 2.5 weeks, but good lord does that put things in perspective!

Just a Quickie Tonight! ;)

I just wanted to say that I started my Pre-op Modified Liquid Diet today, and damn it's been a tough one already!!!

If anyone has any ideas on how to cook veggies without oil or butter or anything really besides herbs and spices, please do leave a comment.

Also, my FitDay Food Blog is public, so feel free to snoop on what I'm eating. It's definitely not Nectar Protein! God, that stuff was digusto!!! Now I better go to bed before I raid the fridge.... >.<

yet another one of these posts... (emo-licious)

I'm so tired of feeling weak. i hate the fact that I'm so damn emotional, over stupid stupid things. i just want to feel normal for like five second of my life, and not get all cry-ie and pissy because of something. And I'm tired of having to hide. Hide when i cry and then try to hide the fact that i cried. but most of the time, i feel so fucking immature and dumb, i don't want to have to explain myself.

i think a lot of this just stems from living at home since may. i have two brothers, and they live at home and I'm sure they still feel like "why are you always in the fucking way all the fucking time?!" and that makes me feel even shittier, because i do feel in the way. and i am in the way. i don't drive, so if i want to go anywhere, it's something extra for my mom to do. or whatever. I'm just tired of being so.... me....

i know this surgery will NOT solve all of these problems. hell, all that estrogen from my fat may just make the emo issues worse. but some sort of normal is all i want. i normally don't like normal. i like things and people that are different. but I'd like normal eating habits. normal clothing sizes. normal interactions with my brothers, and other people. and i also get this feeling of "i just wanna FIT." i don't want to have to constantly move out of the way in our kitchen if some one's trying to walk around me. or not be able to slip into a booth. or, when riding the bus on school, not be able to sit in a seat with people sitting on both sides of it. i know that these feelings are normal with WLS patients, but it's never really been a prevalent feeling in my life. i guess I've just been much more introspective since I've been at home for months, with no job, being an uber bum.

in reality, i know I'm more lucky/blessed/in a better position than a lot of people in this world, so all my 'down in the dumps' feelings seem, again, dumb. i have parents that are absolutely amazing and supportive and want nothing but the world for me. i have one brother I'm super proud of, and another that i really want the best for. (i don't know what his problem is sometimes... he's grumpy/mad 85% of the time.) I'm going to an amazing university, that i miss dearly, and i have a great group of supportive friends.

but there are times where i just can't shake this feeling. i just can't stop crying. i know some/a lot of it stems from losing Alix. but i keep trying to tell myself "move on! it's been almost two years now! you were great friends, and you'll never forget her. cherish the friends you have now!" but to this day, i can't really think about her without crying. even right now. and i have a problem tying one problem/concern towards her. which gets me all feklempt.

blogs are a blessing. writing is a blessing. i don't know how long it will take me to move on, but as long as i can write about it, and pray about it, hopefully I'll live.

i'm gonna need ALL the support I can get!!!

Okay, so hi guys and gals. Today, I found out that I do indeed have a ginormous liver and gallstones. Lovely lovely, eh? I also got a rundown of what my three week pre-op diet consists of.

Pre-Surgical Diet Guidelines

Daily Requirements

* Drink 4 servings of protein powder each day. Mix 2 servings with skim milk (if you are lactose intolerant, substitute soy or lactose-free milk.); then for the other 2 servings, mix with sugar-free clear liquids (Crystal Light, Flavored waters).
* Protein powder can be whey, soy, or egg protein. It should have at least 17-20g of protein, 1-2g of fat, and 2-5g of carbohydrates per serving.
* Include at least 6 servings of the items from the Food List Below.
* Drink water or sugar-free beverages as needed during the day.
* Daily Multivitamin and 500mg Calcium Citrate plus D supplement.
* Begin to wean yourself off caffeine at least one week prior to surgery, and carbonated beverages should be eliminated 1 day prior to surgery.

Food List:

1 cup Tomato or V-8 Juice (preferably Low-Sodium)
½ cup cream of wheat or oatmeal
1 cup sugar-free pudding
Sugar-free gelatin
6oz no sugar added yogurt
½ cup unsweetened applesauce
1 cup raw vegetables or ½ cup cooked vegetables which include:
broccoli, brussel sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, cucumber, green onions, greens, mushrooms, snow peas, peppers, radishes, salad greens, spinach, yellow or summer squash, tomatoes, zucchini. (If using a dip with your vegetables, be sure it is nonfat and low in calories.)

So, that's where the title of this blog comes from. I start this diet in one week, on Monday. If I text you or call you or bug you on Facebook with my bitchy/tired/bored rantings, well, hold on for dear life. ;) I KNOW that these three weeks are VERY important to shrink my jolly green giant liver, so that I can have surgery laproscopically, and not open (5-6 little 1 inch scars compared to being split open wide). And I absolutely believe that it is the right time for me, to have the Roux-En-Y surgery, and that things are falling into place. It's just the inevitable boring/bland eating stage.

But, I've been very blessed with supportive friends and family, so I hope it continues during the next three weeks. I'm really worried/nervous though, because I know that my brothers, mother and father are going to continue to eat like they normally do. And that means meat, and carbs (well, not a LOT, but some). And I'm gonna be sitting there with my bowl of veggies. :-/ So, I may be back on Blogger more often, writing my frustration away!

Total Cold Shoulder!!!

I'm sooo sorry, Blogger. I got my surgery date (FINALLY!!!) yesterday, and I totally gave my blog the cold shoulder. I meant to write in here yesterday, then all of a sudden, 2am on Thursday, I remember. (For anyone who doesn't realize it, I'm joking a tad bit about the cold shoulder. But I really did mean to blog on Tuesday!)

So Tuesday, we're fed up with waiting for my Vocational Rehab counselor to call. We call him. Basically, there is a slim to none chance of getting VR. My application was sent to the Raleigh office, basically just to see if there is any way possible I could get the money. But, I think my FCE didn't show that my obesity was really impairing me enough to say I couldn't get a job. (Which I think is BS, but whatev).

After hearing this, my mom calls Susan, the coordinator/RN at Wake Forest. She gives me a date of 11/19.... As I've been saying to everyone else, thios is like the BEST birthday present ever!!!!! (My birthday is 11/23, and, heh, Thanksgiving is 11/22. No turkey, dressing, pumpkin pie for muah!)

Then today, we got another call from Wake Forest, to set up my gallbladder/liver ultrasound (I thiiink... I know it's for the gallbladder, but the operator did not specifically say anything else. Anyway, that is actually for today (Thursday) at 11am. So, I'm really glad things are moving fast. This whole time, my mother and I kept saying that the process is a "Hurry up and Wait" process. You get done with a bunch of appointments in a short time span, then wait wait wait. Then all of a sudden, you have another whole cluster of appointments ready for ya!

So, if you can't tell, I am very happy, excited, nervous, anxious about the next 6 weeks - 3 months. I am still very frustrated that basically I wasted 3 months of time on VR, but I am trying to keep up the belief that it is never not worth trying. You'll never know what could have been if you don't go for it. Hopefully, this blog will stay hopping with action. I'll start probably complaining a lot about liquid diets - I think I'm going to have to be on one for three weeks pre-op, and maybe up to 3 weeks post-op. Also, hopefully I gain the nerve to post pictures - before the liquid diet, right before surgery, and then, hopefully, on a weekly basis. And maybe measurements too. So all you Emily fans can keep on cheering. Okay, I am officially cornified, and need to get some sleep before my appointment in the morning.

Thank you to everyone who has had me in your thoughts and prayers...Keep me there, if ya can. This adventure is juuuuust starting!

¡Más Actualice!

More updates, for the Spanish illiterate. So, last week had a few events that I guess are worth writing about. (especially when I get bugged by an e-friend to update!)

Wednesday I got my haircut, and I love love love it. Bobs are so me! It's longer in the front, framing my chin, and a bit shorter in the back. My hairstylist is so freakin awesome. I also majorly splurged on some new Lancome makeup on Wednesday. My aunt is working there, and my mother and I went to visit. I ended up getting the matte foundation, the brush for it, a great waterproof green eyeliner, and this rosy/berry shiny lipstick. I've stopped myself from shopping for clothing, but cosmetics willl always be a HUGE wallet-breaker for me!

Thursday was muy interesting. I met a young woman who works for my uincle who had RNY surgery in 2004. My mom, my aunt, Julie (the RNY-er), and another aunt of mine, along with myself went to lunch. It's so funny, because I didn't know what surgeon she used, or any information about her,. But she used my same surgeon, Fuzz, and was going to recommend Obesity Help to me! For any of you that know me, you know that OH has been the biggest resource for me, a true lifesaver! And, I looked on OH after I got home and realized that I had added her as a friend early on when I joined OH because I had looked up active OHers that used Fuzz. But, it was great to talk to Julie - her whole process seemed really painless. I know my journey may not be the same, especially since I'm almost 100 lbs heavier than she was at her highest weight. But, I've tried to stay away from stereotyping a person's journey by how much weight they have to lose. We all have our demons, addictions, and problems, and we're all struggling to find the solutions right for us! But, talking to Julie gave me some good insight on an RNYer who is a few years out. She gave me some great advice on B12 shots, and it was just nice to meet someone new and talk.

Friday was my big Vocational Rehabilitaion day. I had my Functional Capacity Evaluation scheduled for 12pm Friday afternoon, and it was supposed to last up to four hours. Starting the paperwork at 11:30, I realized I wasn't their typical patient. I didn't have a specific injury , or pain occurring from that injury. It's particularly difficult to describe the all over pain your body feels just simply carrying this weight around. The FCE is more for people who have a specific injury that has limited their ability to go back to work. It's a bunch of lifting, swuatting, stair-stepping, pushing, and pulling. The first set of tests were with this force-reading machine. I had to pull in 4 different positions. And it's like you're lifting, but you're not. There's a large handlebar, and it's attached to a chain which reads the amount of pressure/force. You have to hold in each position for 5 seconds, and it's pretty tough, There's a standing lift, a back bend lift, and a squatting lift. Then you have to lift boxes with weights from shelf to shelf, and from the floor, and carry them. There were a bunch of box tests. Some where about repetition, and others were about the amount of weight you could carry/lift, if you had to lift like twice an hour for eight hours. There were grip and pinch tests, and the final thing I had to do was KILLER. Climb 30 steps, then 40 then 40 more on this little stair climber box. They took my heart rate between each set, and they took my heart rate a lot during the entire appointment. They also take your blood pressure 3-4 times throughout the day.

So, they're supposed to get the papers to my counselor this week. I am hope hope hoping by Tuesday, Oct 9th, I will have heard from VR yea or nay - we will or won't pay for this surgery. I am seriously anxious to find out the news. I am praying that it is a positive answer, because we've spent a lot of extra time going through VR. As soon as we hear either way, I plan on calling Susan at Wake Forest and getting a date asap. I wish I had been more successful in losing some weight, or ANY weight, but I've just been in auto-eat mode!

Other than all of that, I've just been attempting to organize and weed through all the general 'stuff' I brought home from college, and all my fabrics, etc. And spending lots of time with my buddy Jen. We saw two great French films this weekend - My Best Friend and Two Days in Paris. 2DIP is my new favorite movie in general. It was hilarious, I definitely want to see it again, because I was a bit sleepy in it! So I don't even think I caught all the funny... hehehe... I swear, any time I don't think I'm going to blog much, my posts are hella long. But, that's the way it goes. Peace out y'all, have a great (rest of the) week.

Man....Me + Internet = Screwed up Sleep!

You know what's a horrible habit? Well, staying up till 3am is bad, but jumping on your laptop in bed at 3am is even worse. Yaaaah, internet crap for 4 hours. And now I'm either gonna get like minimal hours asleep, or I'm gonna oversleep and waste the day. This was a habit that started in college, and continues at home, because everyone here are night owls too.

Anyway, just doing a bit of updating - I have a hair appointment Wednesday afternoon...I guess I'll just get it trimmed back to a shorter bob. Unless people have any good ideas for my hair? Seriously, throw out some ideas. I'm totally open! But, idk what would look good on me. I took this picture yesterday - I have fine/thin hair and a fattie face. ;) I'd really love to go short short and funky, but the confidence to pull that off, idk if it's there yet. Ideas, ideas, throw them my way!

And, FCE update! Well, it's not that exciting, but I got my appointment set up - it's THIS Friday, from 11:30am-4pm. I'm quite nervous about this Functional Capacity Evaluation, since it basically makes or breaks Vocational Rehab approving me, that they will pay for the RNY surgery. It's been such a long friggin process with them...if it falls through, Emily will NOT be a happy camper!

So, I think that's it for now...I've been sorting through all my crap from school, finally. Does ANYONE have a good idea on how to store/organize fabric? I have pieces big and small, and there's just no good way I can come up with where you can store them and see them all and be able to transport/move them. Well, good morning to all!

Really need to chill down...

Wow, it's been two months since I've last added....

It's been waiting waiting waiting. Still dealing with Vocational Rehab...I have to have a 'functional capacity evaluation', and I'm waiting for Cone Hospital to call with the appointment date/time. I think Susan at Wake Forest is waiting to hear from VR on whether I'm approved or not. Which sucks. Because I want my date.

But I'm also freaking out because I'm horrible. Definitely not eating 1) like I should be with my type II diabetes and 2) like I should be in order to get more adjusted to eating after the surgery. I'm so damn anxious to get a date, but I'm really afraid my A1C is gonna be shitty. Which will probably postpone the surgery. Which will get me more frustrated and my parents more mad at me. Seriously, why the fuck is it so hard for me to keep up a routine w/my meds and insulin? And how horrible am I gonna be with my vitamins afterwards?

I am TRYING to show that I am an adult, and I can handle this surgery, but I'm afraid I'm just proving everything wrong. Like my title says, I really need to chill out. I'm never gonna get anywhere if I keep acting like a child.

I swear every other post on here is my 'angsty teen journal entry.' I am just disappointed with myself so often and really frustrated at living at home. And all of this waiting has gotten me worried that I won't be prepared to go back to school in January. Late surgery date is bad enough, but the possibility of complications +/- the possibility for the surgery to be open instead of laproscopically (if I don't start losing some damn weight to shrink my probably-enlarged-liver) equals more recovery time.


I'm sorry for the language here...I'm really trying to refocus all this self deprecation, sadness, frustration, etc. But that doesn't seem to be my strong point.

So...Progress!

This week has been a buuuuuuuuusy one. Lots of appointments and phone calls and all that fun (rolly eyes) stuff. So just a bit of progress on what happened this week and how everything is going.

So Susan, the RN and coordinator for my surgeon Dr. Fuzz, suggested we talk to Vocational Rehabilitation for help possibly paying for the Roux en-Y surgery. Basically, they help folks get to the optimal health, physically and/or mentally, to find employment. Morbid obesity is technically a disability, so VR may be able to help. We finally got in touch with the correct county VR office, and I'm scheduled to go to their "orientation" this Tuesday. After orientation, you get an application, and fill it out, and it goes from there.

...Hope hope hope they might be able to help financially...

Speaking of finances, my parents also talked with their bank, and they're going to be able to get a line of credit that can cover the cost of the surgery. Tuesday's also the day they're going to take care of that, I think. Every single day, I feel so blessed to have supportive parents. My mother is still concerned... I sort of have a track record for not really truly keeping up with things like I should (certain health aspects - diabetes esp - along with other issues). But I know that she just wants the best for me, and wants to make sure I'm not rushing into anything. My father said he wants the best for my health and weight, and he has no second doubts. He's not a many of many words, but what he says, means a LOT.

Along with parents that are just absolutely amazing, my mother's best friend, my aunt Teresa, gifted me the $500 cash we needed to pay the psychologist on Friday. I had my psych evaluation Friday morning, and they require $500 up front, for the eval and one year of post-operation meetings. She's just a wonderful woman, and she's also overweight, and wants the world for me. At some point, she wanted to have the surgery done, but her health jeopardized it. And now, she's retired so no insurance to cover the surgery.

Anyway, speaking of the psych eval...WOW, so much more positive than I ever expected!! Dr. Smith, the psychologist, is such a nice, soft-spoken but humorous man. He's insanely informed about weight loss, and WLS. He's worked with behavioral psychology and weight loss his entire medical career, and got involved with WLS some years ago. The appointment was very relaxed, he just asked me about myself, my reasons and desires from having this surgery, a few questions about my eating issues and such, and I don't know...I mean, we talked for 90 minutes, but I never felt nervous or like I was being grilled. :D He also talked about, with all his knowledge and experience with weight loss and weight loss studies that when you're 100+ lbs overweight, the surgery is definitely the smartest and most successful venue. As he said it, "I won't tell you that you should (or should not) get the surgery, but if I was more than 100 lbs overweight, surgery would be my decision." (paraphrase)

So, yes, that was very positive! And I have my appointment with the nutritionist set up for this coming Friday...Very busy time! OOOh, almost forgot...Wednesday evening, I went to the WLS seminar Wake Forest holds and is required for all patients. While I can't say there was a ton of new information there (there was a LOT of info, but I guess I'm fairly educated about the surgeries, diet, etc), it was good to hear it all. And there were about 50 people there - Wow! So, lots of activity this week, and I'm happy about that! I hope the Vocational Rehab things next week are successful, along with my nutritionist appointment. I shall keep Blogger updated!

First Doctor's Appointment Yesterday

So I had my first doctor's appointment for the WLS on Frisday. I just figured I had ignored my blog for a while so I'd write some of this out. I met my doctor/surgeon, "Fuzz", the RN and "Weight Management Nurse Coordinator", Susan, and the Certified Family Nurse Practitioner, Elizabeth. I was extremely impressed and I trust the staff.

I found out my lab results from my endocrinology appointment a few weeks ago, and it wasn't pretty. My A1C was high, and I got a little emo about it. (Just disappointment with myself, especially since when I'm at school I have a tendency to screw up and not keep my blood sugars in check.

But, anyway, basically my BMI is high enough where I wouldn't even need comorbities to be approved for the surgery, but I do have the CoM to go along with it. And, the dr tried to let me know all the info about Lap and RNY so I can make a choice. I went into the appt planning on the RNY, and leaving that way.

It was somewhat entertaining to see my mother (who was there with me) and her reaction to YES, you CAN gain back weight with either surgery. But, anyway, the most stressful part of this is that it's gonna cost b/w $24000-$26000. At the moment, that's gonna be out of pocket. Mom and me are going to call Susan on Monday; she handles money, and is gonna help find any cost cuts and things available.

Besides talking money, next steps are setting up psych eval and nutritional eval, and an informative meeting on July 11th. ........ So, I don't really know why I chose to write out EVERYTHNG that happened, but I did. I guess I should still be considering all options before officially choosing RNY or lap, but RNY just seems like the best choice. (Dr said something about bypassing the duodenal area makes a big difference in diabetes, and that's what causes the overnight/very fast loss of diabetes.)

So...I guess I'm sort of asking for advice (if anyone reads this)/just wanted to update/whatever. I have a lot on my mind, and still a lot of work figuring out the finances. But I was so very pleased with everyone I met today, it keeps me in high spirits.

I feel like an angsty teenager...

I originally posted this on the OH forum, but I figure it's sort of a blog thing so I'm just gonna paste what I said on here.

I'm 22, in college, and I'm home for the summer. I'm not working/interning, b/c I'm hoping to have this surgery sometime soon. (But I'm still very early in the process). I may be taking a semester off in school for the fall to get adjusted post-op, if I get approved and if I can have the surgery sometime soon.

Anyway, being home, dealing with my mother (and I have 2 brothers and my dad at home too), I'm just over it. I know my mom loves and cares about me, but I just get frustrated. I have an appt with my endocrinologist tomorrow, and I've been taking Byetta (a very expensive drug for diabetics that's supposed to help some patients with hunger suppression. It worked for a short while for me, but then stopped). Her general attitude toward me is just grr. She's already said to me today "Well, I hope you weren't lying about your blood sugar being good and we get there and it's in the 200/300." and "I don't know if you're not making the effort or if the Byetta isn't, but it's obvious you haven't lost any weight." Yeah, I know I'm extra-sensitive, but I guess I just realize more and more why when I'm at school (my univ is about 1.5 hrs away from home), I hardly ever come home. I'm ready to get a job and get away.

I never did go through the angsty teenager stage growing up, so I guess it's the angsty young adult phase. I love my parents, and they've put so much money into me and all my health problems. But now I'm debating whether I should wait to have this surgery. Finish my last semester of school and get a job and finance it myself...

Anyway, I know I'm a big baby, and I don't take care of myself like I should. But I'm just blah.

I'm trying this bloggin thing again...

and i hope it's actually interesting!

i've tried blogging before but it never really lasts...whether it was xanga, livejournal, myspace, or whatever, I'm not very good with commitment. but now that i'm home for summer, i'm in the process of getting gastric bypass surgery. it's still the very beginning of the process, but it's starting. so i'm thinking between that and the boredom otherwise of summer, blogging might be a nice hobby. maybe i can help others looking to get the surgery too. or at least help myself.

i've been doing a lot of research about the surgery, and all the commitments you have to make towards your body afterwards. i know i personally have eating problems, connecting emotions to eating. and that's something i need to fix/break/figure out before the surgery. but between the diabetes, of a period, bed issues, along with just feeling crappy, i need to make this change. i suck at the dieting thing, i've tried it. a lot. and i want to make this permanent change.

so i guess that's enough for now. like i said, this blog is for me. it's for my friends, to be able to keep up with this process, and i hope support me. maybe learn more about me and about what i'm planning on going through with. and for others that are looking to have the surgery. there are a lot of people out there willing the help. i've found a message board, obesityhelp.com, that has a lot of people that have had the surgery that have already been very helpful. so i hope to pass that friendliness on to someone else.