Saturday, November 17, 2007

Reminiscing.... (a "Wow" moment!)

This week has been difficult for me, and I can't guarantee it's gonna get any easier. But tonight was interesting, and I had to write about it... So I was going through the closet tonight in search of something to wear tomorrow, because I'm going shopping with Jen and some of her friends. (Going to Streets of Southpoint in Durham - I've never been!) I see my bubblegum pink pants. Now these pants hold a lot of memory to me - they are very near to my heart. I bought them in the summer of 2005, and I have never worn them out or anything. They still have the tag on them, everything.

When I bought them, I was going on a mini-shopping spree/'re-style' with my close friend Alix. She was a crazy fun dresser - she could be sexy and fun and really take chances, and I just never could. Even though she was a plus-size girl, she had the body and the confidence to honestly carry ANYTHING! So we styartede hitting up Ross, Marshall's, those places for some fun and funky (and affordable) plus size things for me. And at Ross, we found these size 26 cottony (or whatever?) bubblegum pink pants. I totally didn't think I could fit in them - I'm way bigger on the bottom, from my hips and ass, and usually nothing discounty works for me, on the bottom. But Alix totally told me I had to at least TRY them on. We get to the dressing room, and I can get them up. Heck, I can even just barely get them buttoned. But I mean, move? Sit down? Hell no I couldn't do that in those pants!

But, I was doing WW with my mom that summer, and Alix basically told me "For that price, there's no way you can walk out of this store without those pants. She did the sexy thing, I did the cute thing. So, of course, I bought them. But no, I have never worn them.

But that summer meant so much to me. We practically spent every waking moment together that summer. Usually during the school years, we were at least 1.5 hrs away, if not 3 hrs (freshman yr). Being around and with Alix just did something to me. She called us yin and yang...I was calm/level-headed with a dash of crazy, and she was crazy with a dash of calm. We just worked. And I felt like I was just me around her. I always looked up to her, but I also realize she looked up to me. We each had different traits and abilities the other lacked, and we could find respect among all of that. And then, when I went back to school that fall, I forgot that. And I let myself ignore my cell phone a lot. I barely talked to her at ALL between August and October of 2005. And then, after not talking for probably like 3 weeks, she called a mutual friend when we were out together. This was October 28th. My friend gave me the phone after they had talked for a minute, and Alix asked me if I wanted to join her tat a John Legend concert in Myrtle Beach on Saturday. We both love his music, but I had already made plans and bought things for a "Halloween Bash" our school throws on the Saturday before Halloween. So, I said I didn't think I could make the trek with her (MB is a few hours away from my school, and even further away from where we're from). We said our goodbyes and everything, that was that.

Sunday morning, I wake up to some instant messages and missed calls on my cell from my friend Katie (who knew Alix since middle school and is friends with me) saying to "Please call her back, asap." I don't talk to Katie regularly, so this had me calling her. I find out from Katie that Alix was killed in a car wreck on Saturday afternoon on the way to Myrtle Beach. She died instantly, and instantly, my friend of 14 years was gone.

And now, tonight, I put these pink pants on and they fit. They're not too snug - I can sit down, I can bend, it's like, well, wow. I can't really truly put into words why I have such a connection to these pants, but tonight, it just blew my mind. I realize that there's so much in my life that I wanted Alix to be around for. And I'm a spiritual person, and I want/try to keep believing that she is seeing all of this, and is there for me. But I just always thought that whatever big life event I went through, she would be here. And I would be here to watch her grow into an adult. She left less than a month before my 21st birthday, a huge event I found out she was surprise planning for me. But everything (the plans) just disappeared after I lost her. And although I never discussed the surgery with her, I knew that if I was going to have it, she'd be right here beside me. Because God knows she always wanted the best for me and always wanted to shop for and with me, so we would have had a ball as I lost weight.

I guess, something in me is realizing, now that I can fit into these pants, that life is going on. That the future is coming towards us, and that Alix really isn't here for all of it. She had so many aspirations, and she inspired me so much, and it's just...even two years later, it's really hard. It's tough realizing that I'm growing up and I have to live my life, one way or another. I can't forget her, but I can't let my emotions keep me in the mire. I will always miss her, but I need to use Alix as an inspiration for moving on. For LIVING. Because she lived every freaking second of her life to the fullest.

Sorry for unloading all this out on you, bloggies. But if you read that all, I love you. :D

Look, they even have a zipper and closures and all that fancy stuff!


Brittany said...

First of all, those are some cute-ass pants. Marshall's really does have cute stuff. I go there every time I go home.

I am so proud of you for being so mature and open about Alix. I know she was very very close to your heart, and still is, so I can imagine how hard it is to have everything pile up on you emotionally. Sometimes we have to go through the shit to get to the sweet. I know you miss her very much, and you're right, she's watching you. I'm not religious by any means, but I know wholeheartedly that that is true. You're a wonderful woman, and you've been such a great friend to everyone you know. These pants are very symbolic of your growth (ironically). You keep those pants forever. What a great, fashionable landmark.

I'm thinking about you, my dear. Like I said before, you can always call me.

Xtine said...

Oh, hon!


You had me tearing up, just so you know. Wow, indeed