uh...yeah....

That "Everything is peachy keen!" post yesterday?

Heh, heh, heh... only typical for me to say something like that and then have a shitty episode within the next 24 hours!

So, dinner tonight was steak - I cut it up and ate it to where it met the standard of what puree is. Yummy. (no really, I still adore steak). But mom also made some funky scalloped potatoes. I resisted during dinner, like normal. Protein is waaay more important than carbs, and it's tough enough to get all the protein in everyday.

But then, *dark clouds appear overhead* and my mom asked me to clean up the kitchen. She had to run an errand, so I was to load up the dishwasher. I have a really really bad history with sneaking food - eating like mad when no one's around. And tonight, my demon popped back into my life. It wasn't that I felt that I had to sneak the potatoes - I mean, my mom always asks if I want some of whatever carb we're having that night, you know, "just to try". But, it was like, "Oh, there's a small piece of potato with cheesy goodness on it. Okay, I'll take a tiny bite..." Well, one tiny bite resulted in many bites, not so tiny. Not to the point where I felt sick, but close. Enough so that I felt disgusted with myself. I knew I wasn't hungry, but that whole temptation (that I thought was gone at least for a while early post-op) was screaming in my face.

But what kills me, what really makes me SO mad/frustrated at myself, is in a few hours, I did the same freakin thing!!! Of course, the kitchen was surprisingly empty, and the dishes were out from when my dad ate, after everyone else. And once again, those fucking potatoes were calling my name. But this time, I ate faster, larger pieces, WAY too big bites. And I could really feel it, the potatoes struggling to get into my pouch and stay in there. They were plenty soft, to qualify for the puree stage, but I overdid it worse than I really could imagine this early on. Like, that was my closest call to vomiting... I could feel the saliva crawling up my throat, and the discomfort in there.

I hope...I pray...that I won't be such a dumbass again any time soon... I'm just really trying to focus myself again - I realize once again how easy it is to fall into the trap of "Oh I fucked up, let's keep this going, because I'm worthless." But, considering that I'm self-pay, that is NOT an option. I had major surgery, and dammit, I'm going to succeed! And yeah, my blog keep me honest, too, since I'm pretty sure I have a few readers keeping tabs on me here.