Wednesday, October 24, 2007

yet another one of these posts... (emo-licious)

I'm so tired of feeling weak. i hate the fact that I'm so damn emotional, over stupid stupid things. i just want to feel normal for like five second of my life, and not get all cry-ie and pissy because of something. And I'm tired of having to hide. Hide when i cry and then try to hide the fact that i cried. but most of the time, i feel so fucking immature and dumb, i don't want to have to explain myself.

i think a lot of this just stems from living at home since may. i have two brothers, and they live at home and I'm sure they still feel like "why are you always in the fucking way all the fucking time?!" and that makes me feel even shittier, because i do feel in the way. and i am in the way. i don't drive, so if i want to go anywhere, it's something extra for my mom to do. or whatever. I'm just tired of being so.... me....

i know this surgery will NOT solve all of these problems. hell, all that estrogen from my fat may just make the emo issues worse. but some sort of normal is all i want. i normally don't like normal. i like things and people that are different. but I'd like normal eating habits. normal clothing sizes. normal interactions with my brothers, and other people. and i also get this feeling of "i just wanna FIT." i don't want to have to constantly move out of the way in our kitchen if some one's trying to walk around me. or not be able to slip into a booth. or, when riding the bus on school, not be able to sit in a seat with people sitting on both sides of it. i know that these feelings are normal with WLS patients, but it's never really been a prevalent feeling in my life. i guess I've just been much more introspective since I've been at home for months, with no job, being an uber bum.

in reality, i know I'm more lucky/blessed/in a better position than a lot of people in this world, so all my 'down in the dumps' feelings seem, again, dumb. i have parents that are absolutely amazing and supportive and want nothing but the world for me. i have one brother I'm super proud of, and another that i really want the best for. (i don't know what his problem is sometimes... he's grumpy/mad 85% of the time.) I'm going to an amazing university, that i miss dearly, and i have a great group of supportive friends.

but there are times where i just can't shake this feeling. i just can't stop crying. i know some/a lot of it stems from losing Alix. but i keep trying to tell myself "move on! it's been almost two years now! you were great friends, and you'll never forget her. cherish the friends you have now!" but to this day, i can't really think about her without crying. even right now. and i have a problem tying one problem/concern towards her. which gets me all feklempt.

blogs are a blessing. writing is a blessing. i don't know how long it will take me to move on, but as long as i can write about it, and pray about it, hopefully I'll live.

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