i'm scared shitless. i am scared absolutely shitless. i despise this feeling and yet it consumes me currently. i'm doing ok and then all of a sudden, one little thing in my day messes up and *voila*, i'm in the stomach of a monster. the self doubt from a while ago? it looks like a baby in terms of the danger it could do to me. this thing just destroys any sense of confidence i may have ever had.
it's so bad that i'm literally writing this on the subway. i had it's 10:30 at night and i'm writing this on my laptop on the way home. as if it weren't bad enough that i'm the fatty, taking up more than my fair share, i have my computer propped on my bag. i'm sure everyone standing hates me.
i really do hate writing mopey blogs like this. i hate that it's even a part of me. and that i post it on the internet for friends, acquaintances, strangers to read? (haha, i'm flattering myself in thinking that many people read this.) but i don't know. i post it, because, i do. i would love for this to be a blog of random daily thoughts, recipes, observations. but i feel like it's overwhelmed with 'blah blah blah, my life sucks, wtf is wrong with me mentally?"
and now the subway is braking rough, and the dumbasses standing NOT holding a handle, thus losing their balance and falling into everyone else (and possibly my laptop, since i'm being an asshole - but i did move it into my lap so that I wouldn't take up so much space). these people, i can't stand. some days, i really can't stand 99.9% of new york. and thus, tonight, in the midst of this self hatred, self doubt, disdain for the current happening, i wonder "can i handle new york?" i wonder "was this all a big fucking mistake?" i wonder if i really have friends here, and if i really can make new friends. i mean, come the fuck on. meeting people in college was easy. i happened to connect with some amazing people. here? i just. feel like a kindergartner in a sea of pros.
deep, deep int he depths of my brain, i realize i need to shut up. just shut up completely. ok, i lost my internship. life is NOT easy, and at some point, i was going to have to find, ya know, a real job. the depths of my brain know that, yeah, we all have ny hating times. but i also realize that there are a LOT of people here. thus, a lot of people to choose to not like. (and then some that you do like). i know, in reality, that i do have some friends here. i may not be super close with them, but there ARE people here that i like, like me, and we click. it's just we're all so busy, it's hard to just 'hang out.' oh, and i also, guess, think i'm able, strong enough, creative enough, to get a (good) job.
but the intelligent, rational, logical part doesn't stop the part of me that just releases tears like it's a damn broken faucet. in the middle of the upper west side, at 10pm on a tuesday night. most of my friends assure me that, especially in comparison to other people, i'm mentally healthy. but then, the ease that i can (and DO) cry, at small (and larger) events just makes me question it, more than i do on a regular basis. i don't like being so emotionally vulnerable, and really don't feel like it's something i'm trying to do. sometimes, just every once in a while, i feel like i need a xanax... or one of those meds...
oh, and this morning, after diligently making (yummy) garlic pesto baked eggs, i went and dropped one of the ramekins. on my toe. this morning, i was mostly too pissed at the wasted food, mess made, and time lost. it hurt, yes. but now, 14 hrs later, my toe still hurts. or should i say it hurts more? i don't know, but boy am i glad to have something else to add to my list of concerns.
if anyone actually read this whole entry,...thank you? you're probably a very good friend of mine, and i love you for caring enough to follow my rants, raves, and general brain diarrhea.
-one last note. i'm very glad i wrote this on the train home, even if i did look maniacal. i'm far too tired now to think about writing, but i needed the catharsis. also, i dropped a small ramekin on my toe this morning, and i'm preeeeeetty sure it's hurt. now that my brain has finally died down, the toe pain is increasing.