Yet Another Post!

So, Friday was my birthday. Hell yeah, I'm 23 (I guess that's celebratory?) on the 23rd! I have to say Jen is the most wonderful person. We went out on Friday, and when she got to my house, she had the most adorable birthday present. She got a protein bullet, and attached (melted) a birthday candle to the lid, and had it lit for me at the door. It was soooo sweet. Next best thing to a birthday cupcake? A birthday protein bullet!

We ventured to the mall, and my red Lane Bryant coat was $75 instead of $150!!! So I got it in 22/24...gonna grow into it! (It fits okay, a titch snug.) We did some other things Friday, it was nice, and then Saturday I saw an amazing movie, Bella. It was really a great film. And, after talking to a friend Saturday night, the possibilities of visiting her in Paris in the spring are growing. It's still a long shot, but mom was more open about it. So, maybe it's time to apply for my passport!

And I actually think this diet thing is working....Friday, weighing at home was a sad result. Supposedly I was still at 322 on my mom's scale. But today, I weighed, and I did it 4 times (b/c my mom and I were 307, 312, 310, and 305. So........we'll see! I'm going in on Thursday for weigh-in at Wake Forest.

Thanksgiving... Yeaaaaaaah...

So it's been a while since my last super emotional/intense post. Been an interesting week+... Thanksgiving, my birthday, and just dealing with not losing/losing weight and food food food. But I think I'm gonna split my posts up so they're not killer long.

Thanksgiving was...interesting. Made a yummy cauliflower puree. I told a few people about it, so I'll post my general recipe/what I did.

• Diced up some onion and garlic - 3 cloves I think.
• Saute them in a teensy bit of olive oil and some PAM.
• Once softened, add a can (maybe less?) chicken broth - I used low sodium Swanson.
• Season with salt and pepper.
• Add 1/2 head diced cauliflower (smaller is better - faster cooking, easier to pulse later) to the broth.
• Simmer for 10 minutes, or however long until the cauliflower is tender. I did some simmering with the pan covered, and uncovered it and turned it up to get some of the liquid reduced.
• Pour everything from the pan into food processor (or blender...or if you wanna try, you can use a potato masher). Pulse.
• I then added 2 tablespoons of 1% milk, 2 tablespoons of plain nonfat yogurt, a teaspoon of butter and a few teaspoons, maybe a tablespoon of butter buds.
• Pulse pulse pulse. I did it till it got as creamy as it looked like it would. It wasn't as smooth as potatoes, but decent.

It still tasted like cauliflower, but it had a nice creaminess to it. I wouldn't suggest making that much unless you're gonna eat it all. I reheated some yesterday/day before and it was okay, but not wonderful. It makes more than you think. Also, I used this recipe as a guideline, and how to double/triple it. So if you wanted to try it for one, you could use those amounts listed!

I spiced and grilled some portobellos, and my mother makes a great green bean dish that has tomatoes and onions and it's good. So I had a 'meaty' mushroom, a 'potato' side, a veg side, and salad. And I also made a yummy pumpkin dessert. For those of you that don't know, pumpkin has fiber and some protein and good vitamins, so the plain canned stuff seemed healthy enough for me. I followed the pumpkin pie recipe my mom uses, spice-wise: cloves, ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, added a dash of vanilla, and a little bit of 1% milk into 1 can of pumpkin. Baked the mixture in little ramekins in a water bath and topped them with Cool Whip Free. It was a nice, warm, pumpkiny dessert!

So, other than the chocolate souffles my aunt made, the key lime pie w/graham cracker and cashew crust and orange whipped cream my brother made, the pumpkin and pecan pies my mom made, and the chocolate pecan pie my brother also made, you know, there weren't THAT many sugar temptations. >.<

Reminiscing.... (a "Wow" moment!)

This week has been difficult for me, and I can't guarantee it's gonna get any easier. But tonight was interesting, and I had to write about it... So I was going through the closet tonight in search of something to wear tomorrow, because I'm going shopping with Jen and some of her friends. (Going to Streets of Southpoint in Durham - I've never been!) I see my bubblegum pink pants. Now these pants hold a lot of memory to me - they are very near to my heart. I bought them in the summer of 2005, and I have never worn them out or anything. They still have the tag on them, everything.

When I bought them, I was going on a mini-shopping spree/'re-style' with my close friend Alix. She was a crazy fun dresser - she could be sexy and fun and really take chances, and I just never could. Even though she was a plus-size girl, she had the body and the confidence to honestly carry ANYTHING! So we styartede hitting up Ross, Marshall's, those places for some fun and funky (and affordable) plus size things for me. And at Ross, we found these size 26 cottony (or whatever?) bubblegum pink pants. I totally didn't think I could fit in them - I'm way bigger on the bottom, from my hips and ass, and usually nothing discounty works for me, on the bottom. But Alix totally told me I had to at least TRY them on. We get to the dressing room, and I can get them up. Heck, I can even just barely get them buttoned. But I mean, move? Sit down? Hell no I couldn't do that in those pants!

But, I was doing WW with my mom that summer, and Alix basically told me "For that price, there's no way you can walk out of this store without those pants. She did the sexy thing, I did the cute thing. So, of course, I bought them. But no, I have never worn them.

But that summer meant so much to me. We practically spent every waking moment together that summer. Usually during the school years, we were at least 1.5 hrs away, if not 3 hrs (freshman yr). Being around and with Alix just did something to me. She called us yin and yang...I was calm/level-headed with a dash of crazy, and she was crazy with a dash of calm. We just worked. And I felt like I was just me around her. I always looked up to her, but I also realize she looked up to me. We each had different traits and abilities the other lacked, and we could find respect among all of that. And then, when I went back to school that fall, I forgot that. And I let myself ignore my cell phone a lot. I barely talked to her at ALL between August and October of 2005. And then, after not talking for probably like 3 weeks, she called a mutual friend when we were out together. This was October 28th. My friend gave me the phone after they had talked for a minute, and Alix asked me if I wanted to join her tat a John Legend concert in Myrtle Beach on Saturday. We both love his music, but I had already made plans and bought things for a "Halloween Bash" our school throws on the Saturday before Halloween. So, I said I didn't think I could make the trek with her (MB is a few hours away from my school, and even further away from where we're from). We said our goodbyes and everything, that was that.

Sunday morning, I wake up to some instant messages and missed calls on my cell from my friend Katie (who knew Alix since middle school and is friends with me) saying to "Please call her back, asap." I don't talk to Katie regularly, so this had me calling her. I find out from Katie that Alix was killed in a car wreck on Saturday afternoon on the way to Myrtle Beach. She died instantly, and instantly, my friend of 14 years was gone.

And now, tonight, I put these pink pants on and they fit. They're not too snug - I can sit down, I can bend, it's like, well, wow. I can't really truly put into words why I have such a connection to these pants, but tonight, it just blew my mind. I realize that there's so much in my life that I wanted Alix to be around for. And I'm a spiritual person, and I want/try to keep believing that she is seeing all of this, and is there for me. But I just always thought that whatever big life event I went through, she would be here. And I would be here to watch her grow into an adult. She left less than a month before my 21st birthday, a huge event I found out she was surprise planning for me. But everything (the plans) just disappeared after I lost her. And although I never discussed the surgery with her, I knew that if I was going to have it, she'd be right here beside me. Because God knows she always wanted the best for me and always wanted to shop for and with me, so we would have had a ball as I lost weight.

I guess, something in me is realizing, now that I can fit into these pants, that life is going on. That the future is coming towards us, and that Alix really isn't here for all of it. She had so many aspirations, and she inspired me so much, and it's just...even two years later, it's really hard. It's tough realizing that I'm growing up and I have to live my life, one way or another. I can't forget her, but I can't let my emotions keep me in the mire. I will always miss her, but I need to use Alix as an inspiration for moving on. For LIVING. Because she lived every freaking second of her life to the fullest.

Sorry for unloading all this out on you, bloggies. But if you read that all, I love you. :D

Look, they even have a zipper and closures and all that fancy stuff!

Postponed.

I don't really have the energy to write much, besides the fact that my mind and body are teaming up against me.

On my modified diet now for 2.5 weeks, and when I went to my doc's yesterday, I weighed 323 lbs. 7 lbs lost. I thought I was going to find out yesterday at the visit whether the surgery was good for the 19th. But no.

Waited and waited and waited and finally got a call today from the surgeon,. The surgery is pushed back to December 4th. I had so convinced myself that I was okay with a delay, you know, just happy that the surgery was even possible. But I'm so fucking devastated. I honestly don't know how I'm gonna get through even more time on this diet. I feel so discouraged, and frustrated, and I'm still going through caffeine withdrawal, so all I want to do is lay around. The headache from the lack of caffeine isn't any smaller now that I'm all up in arms over the surgery.

I was totally okay with surgery being right before Thanksgiving and my birthday. Totally fine with that, I mean, who cares about food then! But now I'm gonna be going through all of that on fucking vegetables and protein powder. I totally didn't expect so much bitterness, but it's gotten so bad I can't even really see what I'm typing. So I'm gonna stop for now.

Yay Yay Yay!

Wow, what a difference a few days makes...well, and some insulin. Basically, I'm back on my regular meds. (yeah, bad me. That's pretty much what fucks up your blood sugar, being stupid and not staying on the meds!) I got my insulin scrip filled on Tuesday, and today my wake up blood sugar was 109. Compare that to....um....over 300. Eeek!

I weighed myself at the gyno on Tuesday, and I was down 7lbs from Friday, @ 323. Even the coordinator lady that works with my surgeon told me great job today via email when I gave her my blood sugar and weight stats.

I'm still nervous about everything happening as planned, but dealing with it much better! I had two nights of amazing, delicious dinners, and I cannot believe that including today, there are only ELEVEN more days until my surgery!!!! (fingers crossed) Otherwise, I'll keep this entry shortish, just wanted to give my blog some happy glow!

Saturday = Uber Awesome

This is more of an off-topic post, I just felt like writing about how great my Saturday was. :D

Around 2, my friend Jen and I left to go out. We went to Walmart, and I found a SF Hazelnut Davinci syrup! And some nice socks for a good price. So now I have a big bottle of Vanilla SF Davinci, and small bottles of Raspberry, Kahlua, Caramel and Hazelnut.

After Wal-mart, we made our way over to the mall... I hadn't been in the mall since June. We walked around for a while, and ran into a friend from middle school, Farzana. It was nice to see her - she graduated, is working as a teacher. Glad to see she's doing wel;l. It's funny, I always tend to run into her in the mall, I think. We walked around some more, then went to lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. Yay salad bar!!! Unfortunately, I didn't bring my salad dressing spritz stuff, so I went with the Light Ranch. It was still a littler carbier than I probably should have had. It was odd, because our waiter was this guy that went to Rolling Roads pool with me. Yeah, now that's a reunion of ages. He was so familiar, but I couldn't place him. He recognized me, and after talking for a moment, he figured out how we knew each other.

After lunch, we went downstairs to the first floor of the mall, and wonderfully ran into my friend Kaytee, who was getting off from work at Aveda. I haven't seen her in quite a while, and I'd been meaning to get together with her, just hang out. I miss some of my older buddies, and man, we've known each other since we were 11!!! So, since me and Jen were happening to be going to the movies, and Kaytee and her fiance Adam were planning the same, we decided we'd go see the same movie later in the evening. I was very excited to meet Adam, since I had heard so many wonderful things about him!

Between seeing Kaytee and going to the movies, I spent $50 in MORE protein stuff, Jen found an awesome shirt with an awesome price at Lane Bryant, we bought hair dye at CVS, Jen found a great suit jacket and blouse at Macy's, and we had dinner at Rock-Ola with Kaytee and Adam. Seriously, it was so awesome to spend time with Kaytee and to meet/get to know Adam some. I really approve, and I'm so happy for Kaytee. She deserves everything she has and more, and I'm just happy she's found a really good guy for her. It was also nice to reminisce about some older memories, and learn some things that I....was not aware of.

After dinner, we saw Dan in Real Life - an okay movie. Very cliche, but I guess I didn't find it half bad. Me and Jen came back to my house, and we had a small Hair Dye Party!!! Jen dyed her hair red, and mine is now black. Heh, so darkest brown Nice N Easy goes black on my hair - tis life! And that's what you ask for when using home hair dye - it can be a mixed bag! So that was interesting... Well, the whole day was. I really really enjoyed it, and I'm a very happy girl now. :D

My one and only complaint is that I think I ate too much/too many carbs and/or fat. Plz check my Fitday (I linked it a few posts down)... keep my butt in check!!!

Friday's Pre-Op Appointment!

Hello again everyone. Friday I had my pre-op appointment - it was full of fun! (Heh, yeah, riiight...)

I, well my parents payed almost $6000 for the doctor and anesthesiologist, and we gave the ans. office all of my information, including the many prescription meds and OTC things I take. I got all the weight/height/blood pressure things, and eek I'm 330 lbs! Yes, I'm telling the world my weight!

My mom was with me, so if I use "we", that's why... We met the PA or RN (can't remember) for the anesthesiologist and she confirmed all of my information, and talked about my surgical history and that I only have ONE good vein, so dammit, don't fuck things up. (Side story - in 2003 I had to have an ablation to remove some scar tissue from my ASD open heart surgery in 1993. The tissue was causing an arrhythmia. The morning I got to WF for the ablation, they took blood in my good vein, so when I had to go in for the ans. they poked and prodded me for an hour. It FUCKING HURTS to have needles stuck in and they can't reach/find veins, so they're digging around in your nerves. It seriously is the one main thing that freaks me out.) Anyway, since I have a history with heart stuff, they did an EKG (hella faster than I ever remembered them!), and urine and blood labs. Five vials of the stuff, heh. It took quite a while in the "Preoperative Assessment Center"... I got there for my 12:20 appointment, and I was supposed to be up in Dr. Fuzz's office by 2, but we didn't get there till almost 2:30.

Once I got to Fuzz's office, they did the same blood pressure, temp, weight stuff I somehow weighed 330.9 at 12:30 and 329.7 at 2:30...damn that blood weighed a lot! ;) And the RN Elizabeth went over a bunch of information, had me read the risks sheet and sign a consent form. She let me know that, yes indeed, my liver is big (the chart said 28 cm), and I do have gallstones. So it's super duper cereal that I stay on this diet. Fuzz repeated these concerns when he came in. He said we could just "yank that sucker right out" when he mentioned my gallbladder. I found that hilarious, for some reason. He also gave me a prescription for phen-a-something or other, an appetite suppressant. I'm tempted to get it filled, but, I guess I still feel bad asking my parents to pay for more meds.

But, goodness gracious, I think I almost had a heart attack when I got home. My mom and I had lunch in WS and then drove home. When we got home, our neighbor asked if my mom could take her somewhere to get stitches, b/c she cut herself. So I stayed home, and around 4:45, my surgeon calls. The first thing he said was "Emily, are you okay?" in a panic/worried voice. Like, I should be in coma right now or something.... Basically, he got the labs back, and somehow read that my blood sugar was at 1000. It was off the charts, by his terms. So, before I did go into a coma, he wanted me to come to the ER. I told the doc I didn't have any transportation, and as I finished telling him, someone (his RN prob) was telling him something - he misread the numbers. The sugar/glucose level in my urine was off the charts - I'm dumping a lot of sugar. Fortunately, that's "ok", and I'm not dumping proteins, so that's even better.

My BS is still much higher than it needs to be... Something I'm gonna have to wrestle with in the next 2.5 weeks, but I think I can do it. The whole conversation, as scary as it was, really put everything into perspective. He mentioned (when it was at 1000) that we would have to postpone the surgery, etc. And it just makes me realize my health is so much more important than some chocolate. I'm still probably gonna have a tough time with my diet for the next 2.5 weeks, but good lord does that put things in perspective!