Just a Quickie Tonight! ;)

I just wanted to say that I started my Pre-op Modified Liquid Diet today, and damn it's been a tough one already!!!

If anyone has any ideas on how to cook veggies without oil or butter or anything really besides herbs and spices, please do leave a comment.

Also, my FitDay Food Blog is public, so feel free to snoop on what I'm eating. It's definitely not Nectar Protein! God, that stuff was digusto!!! Now I better go to bed before I raid the fridge.... >.<

yet another one of these posts... (emo-licious)

I'm so tired of feeling weak. i hate the fact that I'm so damn emotional, over stupid stupid things. i just want to feel normal for like five second of my life, and not get all cry-ie and pissy because of something. And I'm tired of having to hide. Hide when i cry and then try to hide the fact that i cried. but most of the time, i feel so fucking immature and dumb, i don't want to have to explain myself.

i think a lot of this just stems from living at home since may. i have two brothers, and they live at home and I'm sure they still feel like "why are you always in the fucking way all the fucking time?!" and that makes me feel even shittier, because i do feel in the way. and i am in the way. i don't drive, so if i want to go anywhere, it's something extra for my mom to do. or whatever. I'm just tired of being so.... me....

i know this surgery will NOT solve all of these problems. hell, all that estrogen from my fat may just make the emo issues worse. but some sort of normal is all i want. i normally don't like normal. i like things and people that are different. but I'd like normal eating habits. normal clothing sizes. normal interactions with my brothers, and other people. and i also get this feeling of "i just wanna FIT." i don't want to have to constantly move out of the way in our kitchen if some one's trying to walk around me. or not be able to slip into a booth. or, when riding the bus on school, not be able to sit in a seat with people sitting on both sides of it. i know that these feelings are normal with WLS patients, but it's never really been a prevalent feeling in my life. i guess I've just been much more introspective since I've been at home for months, with no job, being an uber bum.

in reality, i know I'm more lucky/blessed/in a better position than a lot of people in this world, so all my 'down in the dumps' feelings seem, again, dumb. i have parents that are absolutely amazing and supportive and want nothing but the world for me. i have one brother I'm super proud of, and another that i really want the best for. (i don't know what his problem is sometimes... he's grumpy/mad 85% of the time.) I'm going to an amazing university, that i miss dearly, and i have a great group of supportive friends.

but there are times where i just can't shake this feeling. i just can't stop crying. i know some/a lot of it stems from losing Alix. but i keep trying to tell myself "move on! it's been almost two years now! you were great friends, and you'll never forget her. cherish the friends you have now!" but to this day, i can't really think about her without crying. even right now. and i have a problem tying one problem/concern towards her. which gets me all feklempt.

blogs are a blessing. writing is a blessing. i don't know how long it will take me to move on, but as long as i can write about it, and pray about it, hopefully I'll live.

i'm gonna need ALL the support I can get!!!

Okay, so hi guys and gals. Today, I found out that I do indeed have a ginormous liver and gallstones. Lovely lovely, eh? I also got a rundown of what my three week pre-op diet consists of.

Pre-Surgical Diet Guidelines

Daily Requirements

* Drink 4 servings of protein powder each day. Mix 2 servings with skim milk (if you are lactose intolerant, substitute soy or lactose-free milk.); then for the other 2 servings, mix with sugar-free clear liquids (Crystal Light, Flavored waters).
* Protein powder can be whey, soy, or egg protein. It should have at least 17-20g of protein, 1-2g of fat, and 2-5g of carbohydrates per serving.
* Include at least 6 servings of the items from the Food List Below.
* Drink water or sugar-free beverages as needed during the day.
* Daily Multivitamin and 500mg Calcium Citrate plus D supplement.
* Begin to wean yourself off caffeine at least one week prior to surgery, and carbonated beverages should be eliminated 1 day prior to surgery.

Food List:

1 cup Tomato or V-8 Juice (preferably Low-Sodium)
½ cup cream of wheat or oatmeal
1 cup sugar-free pudding
Sugar-free gelatin
6oz no sugar added yogurt
½ cup unsweetened applesauce
1 cup raw vegetables or ½ cup cooked vegetables which include:
broccoli, brussel sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, cucumber, green onions, greens, mushrooms, snow peas, peppers, radishes, salad greens, spinach, yellow or summer squash, tomatoes, zucchini. (If using a dip with your vegetables, be sure it is nonfat and low in calories.)

So, that's where the title of this blog comes from. I start this diet in one week, on Monday. If I text you or call you or bug you on Facebook with my bitchy/tired/bored rantings, well, hold on for dear life. ;) I KNOW that these three weeks are VERY important to shrink my jolly green giant liver, so that I can have surgery laproscopically, and not open (5-6 little 1 inch scars compared to being split open wide). And I absolutely believe that it is the right time for me, to have the Roux-En-Y surgery, and that things are falling into place. It's just the inevitable boring/bland eating stage.

But, I've been very blessed with supportive friends and family, so I hope it continues during the next three weeks. I'm really worried/nervous though, because I know that my brothers, mother and father are going to continue to eat like they normally do. And that means meat, and carbs (well, not a LOT, but some). And I'm gonna be sitting there with my bowl of veggies. :-/ So, I may be back on Blogger more often, writing my frustration away!

Total Cold Shoulder!!!

I'm sooo sorry, Blogger. I got my surgery date (FINALLY!!!) yesterday, and I totally gave my blog the cold shoulder. I meant to write in here yesterday, then all of a sudden, 2am on Thursday, I remember. (For anyone who doesn't realize it, I'm joking a tad bit about the cold shoulder. But I really did mean to blog on Tuesday!)

So Tuesday, we're fed up with waiting for my Vocational Rehab counselor to call. We call him. Basically, there is a slim to none chance of getting VR. My application was sent to the Raleigh office, basically just to see if there is any way possible I could get the money. But, I think my FCE didn't show that my obesity was really impairing me enough to say I couldn't get a job. (Which I think is BS, but whatev).

After hearing this, my mom calls Susan, the coordinator/RN at Wake Forest. She gives me a date of 11/19.... As I've been saying to everyone else, thios is like the BEST birthday present ever!!!!! (My birthday is 11/23, and, heh, Thanksgiving is 11/22. No turkey, dressing, pumpkin pie for muah!)

Then today, we got another call from Wake Forest, to set up my gallbladder/liver ultrasound (I thiiink... I know it's for the gallbladder, but the operator did not specifically say anything else. Anyway, that is actually for today (Thursday) at 11am. So, I'm really glad things are moving fast. This whole time, my mother and I kept saying that the process is a "Hurry up and Wait" process. You get done with a bunch of appointments in a short time span, then wait wait wait. Then all of a sudden, you have another whole cluster of appointments ready for ya!

So, if you can't tell, I am very happy, excited, nervous, anxious about the next 6 weeks - 3 months. I am still very frustrated that basically I wasted 3 months of time on VR, but I am trying to keep up the belief that it is never not worth trying. You'll never know what could have been if you don't go for it. Hopefully, this blog will stay hopping with action. I'll start probably complaining a lot about liquid diets - I think I'm going to have to be on one for three weeks pre-op, and maybe up to 3 weeks post-op. Also, hopefully I gain the nerve to post pictures - before the liquid diet, right before surgery, and then, hopefully, on a weekly basis. And maybe measurements too. So all you Emily fans can keep on cheering. Okay, I am officially cornified, and need to get some sleep before my appointment in the morning.

Thank you to everyone who has had me in your thoughts and prayers...Keep me there, if ya can. This adventure is juuuuust starting!

¡Más Actualice!

More updates, for the Spanish illiterate. So, last week had a few events that I guess are worth writing about. (especially when I get bugged by an e-friend to update!)

Wednesday I got my haircut, and I love love love it. Bobs are so me! It's longer in the front, framing my chin, and a bit shorter in the back. My hairstylist is so freakin awesome. I also majorly splurged on some new Lancome makeup on Wednesday. My aunt is working there, and my mother and I went to visit. I ended up getting the matte foundation, the brush for it, a great waterproof green eyeliner, and this rosy/berry shiny lipstick. I've stopped myself from shopping for clothing, but cosmetics willl always be a HUGE wallet-breaker for me!

Thursday was muy interesting. I met a young woman who works for my uincle who had RNY surgery in 2004. My mom, my aunt, Julie (the RNY-er), and another aunt of mine, along with myself went to lunch. It's so funny, because I didn't know what surgeon she used, or any information about her,. But she used my same surgeon, Fuzz, and was going to recommend Obesity Help to me! For any of you that know me, you know that OH has been the biggest resource for me, a true lifesaver! And, I looked on OH after I got home and realized that I had added her as a friend early on when I joined OH because I had looked up active OHers that used Fuzz. But, it was great to talk to Julie - her whole process seemed really painless. I know my journey may not be the same, especially since I'm almost 100 lbs heavier than she was at her highest weight. But, I've tried to stay away from stereotyping a person's journey by how much weight they have to lose. We all have our demons, addictions, and problems, and we're all struggling to find the solutions right for us! But, talking to Julie gave me some good insight on an RNYer who is a few years out. She gave me some great advice on B12 shots, and it was just nice to meet someone new and talk.

Friday was my big Vocational Rehabilitaion day. I had my Functional Capacity Evaluation scheduled for 12pm Friday afternoon, and it was supposed to last up to four hours. Starting the paperwork at 11:30, I realized I wasn't their typical patient. I didn't have a specific injury , or pain occurring from that injury. It's particularly difficult to describe the all over pain your body feels just simply carrying this weight around. The FCE is more for people who have a specific injury that has limited their ability to go back to work. It's a bunch of lifting, swuatting, stair-stepping, pushing, and pulling. The first set of tests were with this force-reading machine. I had to pull in 4 different positions. And it's like you're lifting, but you're not. There's a large handlebar, and it's attached to a chain which reads the amount of pressure/force. You have to hold in each position for 5 seconds, and it's pretty tough, There's a standing lift, a back bend lift, and a squatting lift. Then you have to lift boxes with weights from shelf to shelf, and from the floor, and carry them. There were a bunch of box tests. Some where about repetition, and others were about the amount of weight you could carry/lift, if you had to lift like twice an hour for eight hours. There were grip and pinch tests, and the final thing I had to do was KILLER. Climb 30 steps, then 40 then 40 more on this little stair climber box. They took my heart rate between each set, and they took my heart rate a lot during the entire appointment. They also take your blood pressure 3-4 times throughout the day.

So, they're supposed to get the papers to my counselor this week. I am hope hope hoping by Tuesday, Oct 9th, I will have heard from VR yea or nay - we will or won't pay for this surgery. I am seriously anxious to find out the news. I am praying that it is a positive answer, because we've spent a lot of extra time going through VR. As soon as we hear either way, I plan on calling Susan at Wake Forest and getting a date asap. I wish I had been more successful in losing some weight, or ANY weight, but I've just been in auto-eat mode!

Other than all of that, I've just been attempting to organize and weed through all the general 'stuff' I brought home from college, and all my fabrics, etc. And spending lots of time with my buddy Jen. We saw two great French films this weekend - My Best Friend and Two Days in Paris. 2DIP is my new favorite movie in general. It was hilarious, I definitely want to see it again, because I was a bit sleepy in it! So I don't even think I caught all the funny... hehehe... I swear, any time I don't think I'm going to blog much, my posts are hella long. But, that's the way it goes. Peace out y'all, have a great (rest of the) week.