Yay Yay Yay!

Wow, what a difference a few days makes...well, and some insulin. Basically, I'm back on my regular meds. (yeah, bad me. That's pretty much what fucks up your blood sugar, being stupid and not staying on the meds!) I got my insulin scrip filled on Tuesday, and today my wake up blood sugar was 109. Compare that to....um....over 300. Eeek!

I weighed myself at the gyno on Tuesday, and I was down 7lbs from Friday, @ 323. Even the coordinator lady that works with my surgeon told me great job today via email when I gave her my blood sugar and weight stats.

I'm still nervous about everything happening as planned, but dealing with it much better! I had two nights of amazing, delicious dinners, and I cannot believe that including today, there are only ELEVEN more days until my surgery!!!! (fingers crossed) Otherwise, I'll keep this entry shortish, just wanted to give my blog some happy glow!

Saturday = Uber Awesome

This is more of an off-topic post, I just felt like writing about how great my Saturday was. :D

Around 2, my friend Jen and I left to go out. We went to Walmart, and I found a SF Hazelnut Davinci syrup! And some nice socks for a good price. So now I have a big bottle of Vanilla SF Davinci, and small bottles of Raspberry, Kahlua, Caramel and Hazelnut.

After Wal-mart, we made our way over to the mall... I hadn't been in the mall since June. We walked around for a while, and ran into a friend from middle school, Farzana. It was nice to see her - she graduated, is working as a teacher. Glad to see she's doing wel;l. It's funny, I always tend to run into her in the mall, I think. We walked around some more, then went to lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. Yay salad bar!!! Unfortunately, I didn't bring my salad dressing spritz stuff, so I went with the Light Ranch. It was still a littler carbier than I probably should have had. It was odd, because our waiter was this guy that went to Rolling Roads pool with me. Yeah, now that's a reunion of ages. He was so familiar, but I couldn't place him. He recognized me, and after talking for a moment, he figured out how we knew each other.

After lunch, we went downstairs to the first floor of the mall, and wonderfully ran into my friend Kaytee, who was getting off from work at Aveda. I haven't seen her in quite a while, and I'd been meaning to get together with her, just hang out. I miss some of my older buddies, and man, we've known each other since we were 11!!! So, since me and Jen were happening to be going to the movies, and Kaytee and her fiance Adam were planning the same, we decided we'd go see the same movie later in the evening. I was very excited to meet Adam, since I had heard so many wonderful things about him!

Between seeing Kaytee and going to the movies, I spent $50 in MORE protein stuff, Jen found an awesome shirt with an awesome price at Lane Bryant, we bought hair dye at CVS, Jen found a great suit jacket and blouse at Macy's, and we had dinner at Rock-Ola with Kaytee and Adam. Seriously, it was so awesome to spend time with Kaytee and to meet/get to know Adam some. I really approve, and I'm so happy for Kaytee. She deserves everything she has and more, and I'm just happy she's found a really good guy for her. It was also nice to reminisce about some older memories, and learn some things that I....was not aware of.

After dinner, we saw Dan in Real Life - an okay movie. Very cliche, but I guess I didn't find it half bad. Me and Jen came back to my house, and we had a small Hair Dye Party!!! Jen dyed her hair red, and mine is now black. Heh, so darkest brown Nice N Easy goes black on my hair - tis life! And that's what you ask for when using home hair dye - it can be a mixed bag! So that was interesting... Well, the whole day was. I really really enjoyed it, and I'm a very happy girl now. :D

My one and only complaint is that I think I ate too much/too many carbs and/or fat. Plz check my Fitday (I linked it a few posts down)... keep my butt in check!!!

Friday's Pre-Op Appointment!

Hello again everyone. Friday I had my pre-op appointment - it was full of fun! (Heh, yeah, riiight...)

I, well my parents payed almost $6000 for the doctor and anesthesiologist, and we gave the ans. office all of my information, including the many prescription meds and OTC things I take. I got all the weight/height/blood pressure things, and eek I'm 330 lbs! Yes, I'm telling the world my weight!

My mom was with me, so if I use "we", that's why... We met the PA or RN (can't remember) for the anesthesiologist and she confirmed all of my information, and talked about my surgical history and that I only have ONE good vein, so dammit, don't fuck things up. (Side story - in 2003 I had to have an ablation to remove some scar tissue from my ASD open heart surgery in 1993. The tissue was causing an arrhythmia. The morning I got to WF for the ablation, they took blood in my good vein, so when I had to go in for the ans. they poked and prodded me for an hour. It FUCKING HURTS to have needles stuck in and they can't reach/find veins, so they're digging around in your nerves. It seriously is the one main thing that freaks me out.) Anyway, since I have a history with heart stuff, they did an EKG (hella faster than I ever remembered them!), and urine and blood labs. Five vials of the stuff, heh. It took quite a while in the "Preoperative Assessment Center"... I got there for my 12:20 appointment, and I was supposed to be up in Dr. Fuzz's office by 2, but we didn't get there till almost 2:30.

Once I got to Fuzz's office, they did the same blood pressure, temp, weight stuff I somehow weighed 330.9 at 12:30 and 329.7 at 2:30...damn that blood weighed a lot! ;) And the RN Elizabeth went over a bunch of information, had me read the risks sheet and sign a consent form. She let me know that, yes indeed, my liver is big (the chart said 28 cm), and I do have gallstones. So it's super duper cereal that I stay on this diet. Fuzz repeated these concerns when he came in. He said we could just "yank that sucker right out" when he mentioned my gallbladder. I found that hilarious, for some reason. He also gave me a prescription for phen-a-something or other, an appetite suppressant. I'm tempted to get it filled, but, I guess I still feel bad asking my parents to pay for more meds.

But, goodness gracious, I think I almost had a heart attack when I got home. My mom and I had lunch in WS and then drove home. When we got home, our neighbor asked if my mom could take her somewhere to get stitches, b/c she cut herself. So I stayed home, and around 4:45, my surgeon calls. The first thing he said was "Emily, are you okay?" in a panic/worried voice. Like, I should be in coma right now or something.... Basically, he got the labs back, and somehow read that my blood sugar was at 1000. It was off the charts, by his terms. So, before I did go into a coma, he wanted me to come to the ER. I told the doc I didn't have any transportation, and as I finished telling him, someone (his RN prob) was telling him something - he misread the numbers. The sugar/glucose level in my urine was off the charts - I'm dumping a lot of sugar. Fortunately, that's "ok", and I'm not dumping proteins, so that's even better.

My BS is still much higher than it needs to be... Something I'm gonna have to wrestle with in the next 2.5 weeks, but I think I can do it. The whole conversation, as scary as it was, really put everything into perspective. He mentioned (when it was at 1000) that we would have to postpone the surgery, etc. And it just makes me realize my health is so much more important than some chocolate. I'm still probably gonna have a tough time with my diet for the next 2.5 weeks, but good lord does that put things in perspective!

Just a Quickie Tonight! ;)

I just wanted to say that I started my Pre-op Modified Liquid Diet today, and damn it's been a tough one already!!!

If anyone has any ideas on how to cook veggies without oil or butter or anything really besides herbs and spices, please do leave a comment.

Also, my FitDay Food Blog is public, so feel free to snoop on what I'm eating. It's definitely not Nectar Protein! God, that stuff was digusto!!! Now I better go to bed before I raid the fridge.... >.<

yet another one of these posts... (emo-licious)

I'm so tired of feeling weak. i hate the fact that I'm so damn emotional, over stupid stupid things. i just want to feel normal for like five second of my life, and not get all cry-ie and pissy because of something. And I'm tired of having to hide. Hide when i cry and then try to hide the fact that i cried. but most of the time, i feel so fucking immature and dumb, i don't want to have to explain myself.

i think a lot of this just stems from living at home since may. i have two brothers, and they live at home and I'm sure they still feel like "why are you always in the fucking way all the fucking time?!" and that makes me feel even shittier, because i do feel in the way. and i am in the way. i don't drive, so if i want to go anywhere, it's something extra for my mom to do. or whatever. I'm just tired of being so.... me....

i know this surgery will NOT solve all of these problems. hell, all that estrogen from my fat may just make the emo issues worse. but some sort of normal is all i want. i normally don't like normal. i like things and people that are different. but I'd like normal eating habits. normal clothing sizes. normal interactions with my brothers, and other people. and i also get this feeling of "i just wanna FIT." i don't want to have to constantly move out of the way in our kitchen if some one's trying to walk around me. or not be able to slip into a booth. or, when riding the bus on school, not be able to sit in a seat with people sitting on both sides of it. i know that these feelings are normal with WLS patients, but it's never really been a prevalent feeling in my life. i guess I've just been much more introspective since I've been at home for months, with no job, being an uber bum.

in reality, i know I'm more lucky/blessed/in a better position than a lot of people in this world, so all my 'down in the dumps' feelings seem, again, dumb. i have parents that are absolutely amazing and supportive and want nothing but the world for me. i have one brother I'm super proud of, and another that i really want the best for. (i don't know what his problem is sometimes... he's grumpy/mad 85% of the time.) I'm going to an amazing university, that i miss dearly, and i have a great group of supportive friends.

but there are times where i just can't shake this feeling. i just can't stop crying. i know some/a lot of it stems from losing Alix. but i keep trying to tell myself "move on! it's been almost two years now! you were great friends, and you'll never forget her. cherish the friends you have now!" but to this day, i can't really think about her without crying. even right now. and i have a problem tying one problem/concern towards her. which gets me all feklempt.

blogs are a blessing. writing is a blessing. i don't know how long it will take me to move on, but as long as i can write about it, and pray about it, hopefully I'll live.